She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
