Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
