ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
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