I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
