I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Let's paint friendship bongs
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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