My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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