I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize