Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
we should paint friendship bongs
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
