If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
