im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
