a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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