So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
