and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
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