I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
