meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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