I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
