your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Randomize
