Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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