So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
