I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
