just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize