I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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