Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
