How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize