i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
