Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
