You work out of a Hotel?
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
