my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
