I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize