I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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