I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
