A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
