Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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