the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
