I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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