I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
