I should be sponsored by Trojan
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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