I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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