apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
