You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
