you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
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