***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
