So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize