shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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