I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
