there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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