I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
