girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize