Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
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