OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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