I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
