woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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