someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
