Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
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