fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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