my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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