Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
