i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
