oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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