i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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