you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
