Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
