I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
