Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
