highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
