You really coming over, don't trick.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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