I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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