I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
