He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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