the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
