Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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